I Blame You, Alexander Bell

Brenda is tired.  Brenda is cranky.  Brenda has spend the day referring to herself in third person.  Brenda is in sore need of a vacation.  Technically, Brenda will soon take some days off for "vacation" but that "vacation" will require her to ride herd on her children and her father.  If you are a follower of this blog, you understand that this "vacation" is no "vacation" at all, no how, no way, no sir!

My children have recently transitioned to being able to stay at home and see to themselves periodically.  Today I got up for work, wrote out a list of chores, posted them on the fridge, woke up the boy-child to let him know I was leaving, and then eased myself out the door.

8:30 a.m.: Phone call 1 - "Mom, Emma won't wake up!"  "Why are you waking her up?  Haven't you learned it is best to let her sleep as long as possible so that she won't bother you?"  "Yeah, well, what about putting the dogs outside?"  "Well, can't you handle that task?  Then you could watch a little tv in peace."  "Yeah, that's true.   BUT IT ISN'T FAIR THAT SHEEEEEEEEEEEE'SSSSS   ASSSSSLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP"  In the background, I hear:  "JJJJJAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEEEEE!!!!  LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY!"   I tell him now he's done it, now he can deal with it.  "FINE!" he says.  "I love you" I tell him and hang up.

9:15 a.m.:  Phone call 2 - I ignore as I am in a meeting.
9:16 a.m.:  Phone call 3 - I ignore because I am still in a meeting.
9:17 a.m.:  Phone call 4 - I ignore because I am still in a meeting.
9:18 a.m.:  Phone call 5 - I step out of meeting:  "WHAT?"  "Oh, um, hi, mama.  Do you know where my purple sock with cupcakes on it is?"  "Huh?  I didn't know you had a purple sock with cupcakes on it, and you had to keep calling me for that????"  "Oh, well, ok, well, I love you, Mama, Bye!"  "I love you, too.  Bye."

9:24 a.m.:  Phone call 6 - "Yes."  "MAMA!  Jake won't let me have any cereal!"  In background:  "Not true! "  "NO!  JAKE!  DO NOT GET ON THE PHONE!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  "YOU LITTLE...."  "QUIT IT!  NOOOOOO  I'M TELLING!"  At this point, I realize they have forgotten I am on the phone and I just hope for the best and hang up.

12:35 p.m.:  Phone call 7:  "Hello."  "Um, hi, Mama?"  (I'm not sure why she always questions....I am pretty sure my number is the only one she has memorized - a decision I am now reconsidering the wisdom of - and I am the only one that answers it - so, why is she surprised every time I answer?)   "Yes, baby?"  " Mama, I need to tell you something.  Um, Jacob hit me in the face with his shorts, then he sprayed me in the face with bugspray, and then he crushed my foot in the door when I went to water the plants.  And I think next time you leave us alone you are just going to have to take one of us with you."  

Ok, shorts = disgusting.  Crushed foot =  probably not that bad as she was very calm in giving me this report.  Bugspray in face = should probably address that one.  "Put your brother on the phone."  "Oh, Jacob..... Mama wants to talk to you."

" Yes?"  "Did you really spray your sister in the face with bugspray?"  "Well, uh, yes.  I had to defend myself someway!"  "Like, the Raid, or the Mosquito Repellent?"  (See, doing my due diligence as a mother.)  "The Mosquito Repellent.  Obviously, it doesn't work because she's still bothering me!"  "JAKE!  Not the point, son!  DO NOT SPRAY YOUR SISTER WITH THE BUGSPRAY.  OF ANY KIND."  "BUT...."   

I have hit the raving lunatic stage at this point.  "DO NOT SPRAY YOUR SISTER WITH THE BUGSPRAY.  PUT HER ON THE OTHER PHONE."  "I'm here, mama"  (Obviously she was listening in to enjoy her brother's chewing out.  "AS YOU TWO SEEM TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY, THERE WILL BE WEED PULLING WHEN I GET HOME!"

In unison:  "NO! We haven't finished our chores for today, yet."

Not in unison:  "But it was HIS fault!"  "But she won't leave me alone!"

"TOO BAD!  DO NOT CALL ME UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY!"

1:25 p.m. :  Phone call 8:  "Um, mama?"  "Yes? Are you bleeding?" "No."  "Is your brother bleeding?"  "No."  "What is the emergency?"  "Um, so, Jacob said he wished I wasn't born. ."  "Put your brother on the phone."  "Well, she gets me in trouble and I am so mad.  I tell her what we need to do and she says NO and then refuses to do the work and tells me no or ignores me and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  Put her in charge!  I don't care!"  "Really?  She doesn't listen when you ask her to do something and this bothers you?  I can't imagine what that is like?!?!?"  

 "Quit being sarcastic, mom, this is serious."  "Huh, I've heard that before, too."   "OK, but I'm not as bad as her!"  "Jake, quit telling your sister you wish she was never born."  "But..."  "QUIT IT!"  "Ok"  "Tell her you are sorry."  "I'm sorry, Emma"  Female voice pipes up:  "It's ok, Jakey - NOW COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HUG!"  "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"  

I think i heard the phones being dropped to the floor and the sound of running feet.  I just hung up.

3:30 p.m.:  Phone call 9:  I ignore as I am in a meeting.  And very, very tired of my children.
3:31 p.m.:  Phone call 10:  I ignore as I am still in a meeting.
3:32 p.m.:  Phone call 11:  I ignore as I am still in a meeting.  Still tired of offspring.
3:33 p.m.;  Phone call 12:  "WHAT!"  "Um, hi, mama?"  "What, Emma?"  "Um, yeah, Jake and I have headaches and we don't feel very good and we don't know what to do about it."  "Tell you what, Emma, how about y'all finish your chores, and drink some water.  And as soon as I get home, you can pull weeds, which I have heard does WONDERS for headaches."  "That won't help our headaches!  I think we are gonna lay down."  "I think those chores had better be done by the time I get home."  "Um, ok, and Mama? "  "Yes."  "I love you, mama."  "I love you, too.  But you are still doing chores."  

At this point, I have resolved that should the opportunity arise to have a conversation with Alexander Graham Bell, he is going to get an earful from me.

Oddly enough, when I arrived home, the chores had been done.  The children were helping each other and saying "please" and "thank you" and "do you need help with....?"  Obviously, they have been replaced by aliens.

Now, remind me again, why would Brenda need a vacation?