My children have recently transitioned to being able to stay at home and see to themselves periodically. Today I got up for work, wrote out a list of chores, posted them on the fridge, woke up the boy-child to let him know I was leaving, and then eased myself out the door.
8:30 a.m.: Phone call 1 - "Mom, Emma won't wake up!" "Why are you waking her up? Haven't you learned it is best to let her sleep as long as possible so that she won't bother you?" "Yeah, well, what about putting the dogs outside?" "Well, can't you handle that task? Then you could watch a little tv in peace." "Yeah, that's true.
9:15 a.m.: Phone call 2 - I ignore as I am in a meeting.
9:16 a.m.: Phone call 3 - I ignore because I am still in a meeting.
9:17 a.m.: Phone call 4 - I ignore because I am still in a meeting.
9:18 a.m.: Phone call 5 - I step out of meeting: "WHAT?" "Oh, um, hi, mama. Do you know where my purple sock with cupcakes on it is?" "Huh? I didn't know you had a purple sock with cupcakes on it, and you had to keep calling me for that????" "Oh, well, ok, well, I love you, Mama, Bye!" "I love you, too. Bye."
9:24 a.m.: Phone call 6 - "Yes." "MAMA! Jake won't let me have any cereal!" In background: "Not true!
12:35 p.m.: Phone call 7: "Hello." "Um, hi, Mama?" (I'm not sure why she always questions....I am pretty sure my number is the only one she has memorized - a decision I am now reconsidering the wisdom of - and I am the only one that answers it - so, why is she surprised every time I answer?) "Yes, baby?" "
Ok, shorts = disgusting. Crushed foot = probably not that bad as she was very calm in giving me this report. Bugspray in face = should probably address that one. "Put your brother on the phone." "Oh, Jacob.....
I have hit the raving lunatic stage at this point. "DO NOT SPRAY YOUR SISTER WITH THE BUGSPRAY. PUT HER ON THE OTHER PHONE." "I'm here, mama" (Obviously she was listening in to enjoy her brother's chewing out. "AS YOU TWO SEEM TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY, THERE WILL BE WEED PULLING WHEN I GET HOME!"
In unison: "NO! We haven't finished our chores for today, yet."
Not in unison: "But it was HIS fault!" "But she won't leave me alone!"
"TOO BAD! DO NOT CALL ME UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY!"
1:25 p.m. : Phone call 8: "Um, mama?" "Yes? Are you bleeding?" "No." "Is your brother bleeding?" "No." "What is the emergency?" "Um, so, Jacob said he wished I wasn't born.
I think i heard the phones being dropped to the floor and the sound of running feet. I just hung up.
3:30 p.m.: Phone call 9: I ignore as I am in a meeting. And very, very tired of my children.
3:31 p.m.: Phone call 10: I ignore as I am still in a meeting.
3:32 p.m.: Phone call 11: I ignore as I am still in a meeting. Still tired of offspring.
3:33 p.m.; Phone call 12: "WHAT!" "Um, hi, mama?" "What, Emma?" "Um, yeah, Jake and I have headaches and we don't feel very good and we don't know what to do about it." "Tell you what, Emma, how about y'all finish your chores, and drink some water. And as soon as I get home, you can pull weeds, which I have heard does WONDERS for headaches." "That won't help our headaches! I think we are gonna lay down." "I think those chores had better be done by the time I get home." "Um, ok, and Mama? " "Yes." "I love you, mama." "I love you, too. But you are still doing chores."
At this point, I have resolved that should the opportunity arise to have a conversation with Alexander Graham Bell, he is going to get an earful from me.
Oddly enough, when I arrived home, the chores had been done. The children were helping each other and saying "please" and "thank you" and "do you need help with....?" Obviously, they have been replaced by aliens.
Now, remind me again, why would Brenda need a vacation?